Making Deposits in Your Relationship

by Mireya Robles, M.A., Doctoral Student Intern

Supervised by Erin Weaver, PsyD, HSPP

Relationships require work. We all have heard some version of this statement. However, a better reframe is that relationships require continued investment. While financial investment may or may not be important for your relationship, what we mean by investment here is emotional investment that fosters connection and closeness in the relationship. Partners often express their needs for connection, affection, and attention in verbal and nonverbal ways. Attempts, or bids, for connection can be overt such as a verbal expression of their needs but bids are often just everyday, subtle attempts from your partner trying to connect with you such as by sharing a smile, asking a question, sharing about their day, attempting to hold your hand, etc. 

Dr. John Gottman, a clinical psychologist and couples researcher, uses the phrases turning toward and turning away to describe how you could respond to your partner’s bids at emotional connection. Turning toward your partner is you noticing your partner’s bid for connection and accepting their bid. For example, if your partner gets home from work and they begin sharing about their day, that is a bid for you to turn toward your partner. Turning toward would be in this example you recognizing your partner’s bid and accepting the bid such as by asking questions, saying mmm, nodding, validating, providing comfort, etc. Dr. Gottman has described positive interactions like turning toward in relationships through the metaphor of making deposits in your partner’s emotional bank account. However, when you turn away from your partner by not recognizing your partner’s bid or by turning down/ignoring it, that would be an example of a negative interaction that would result in a withdrawal in their emotional bank account. Using the work example, an example of turning away from your partner could be you ignoring them talking about their day. 

Why is it important to make deposits? Drs. John Gottman and Julie Gottman, clinical psychologists, have conducted research with a vast amount of couples and have observed that everyday positive interactions are important for relationship satisfaction and in helping couples stay together. Through their research, they observed how individuals who had more turning away interactions in their relationships had higher divorce rates compared to couples who turned toward. Given their findings, they emphasize that bids are part of a healthy relationship and that it is important both partners feel safe doing them. Furthermore, according to Dr. John Gottman, 5 positive interactions are needed to offset 1 negative interaction during conflict. As such, it is important to make more deposits to buffer the withdrawals. 

With this information in mind, what are other examples of deposits and withdrawals? Well here are a couple different examples:

Everyday deposits you can make in your partner’s emotional bank account (turning toward):

• Active listening (e.g., making eye contact, nodding, saying mmm., etc.)
• Validating and reflecting
• Showing interest in your partner’s life
• Expressing or showing gratitude/appreciation
• Words of affirmation 
• Acts of service/kindness
• Showing support
• Comforting your partner
• Taking responsibility
• Using I statements to communicate feelings

Withdrawals that can hurt a relationship (turning away): 

• Using the four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, & stonewalling)
• Ignoring bids
• Appearing disinterested
• Yelling at your partner
• Looking away

For more information, here is a video by the Gottman Institute that further describes the Emotional Bank Account: Invest in Your Relationship: The Emotional Bank Account | The Gottman Institute