by Flor Valdes, PhD, Postdoctoral Resident

Supervised by Erin Weaver, PsyD, HSPP and Maria Hanzlik, PsyD, HSPP

Sexual desire does not always show up when we want it to. Stress, busy schedules, work, familyduties, and lack of sleep can all make it harder to feel interested in sex. When your mind is busysolving problems, it may be difficult to shift into a relaxed and connected state. This does notmean something is wrong with you or your relationship. Research on womens sexual health hasfound that ongoing stress can affect sexual thoughts, desire, and physical arousal. 

One helpful step is to notice what your body and mind need before expecting desire to appear.You might need rest, privacy, affection, or time without distractions. Some people also find thatdesire grows after they begin feeling close and relaxed, rather than appearing first. This meansyou do not always have to wait for a strong feeling of desire before starting a loving connection.

It can also help to talk with your partner without blame. Instead of saying, “You never make mefeel wanted,” try explaining what helps you feel safe, relaxed, and connected. A caring partnershould be able to listen and respect your feelings. When pressure goes down, there may be moreroom for desire to grow naturally.

It is important to remember that low desire can have many causes. Stress may be one part of thepicture, but medications, hormones, emotions, relationship problems, and physical health canalso play a role. If changes in desire continue or cause distress, talking with a doctor or otherqualified health professional can help you understand what may be happening.